Friday, May 14, 2010

The Disaster of Wellington

Last summer the Lame Owls were reunited which obviously means that awkwardness was about to begin.
That was also the summer of a really cool play festival that had $ 2.00 tickets for students, naturally we decided to attend.
We wore our most artsy, I-like-the-theatre, clothing (scarves and hats and leather boots and things) and made our way down to the Arts Center.

Dilemma #1:

                 We couldn't find the damn entrance. First we walked around the building in our usual manner (half in a daze) and giggled at the awkward Prom kids that were looming around. Prom is basically the most uncomfortable event ever to begin with, but it's even more uncomfortable when it isn't actually your own prom and you just happen to have accidentally invaded it. So we kept wandering along the outside of the arts center hoping to find some kind of entrance, no luck. So now we were getting a bit panicky, which is never good because then we start getting irrational and wondering of maybe the building doesn't have a door because it's not even a real building or maybe this is the wrong place and we took the bus to an alternate universe, or perhaps this is all just a shared dream? Anyway, it gets bad.
We spotted some parent-friends who were also going to the play and creepily tried to follow them in with out being noticed and thus seeming incompetent. That plan was crushed like a ripe and juicy grape when they turned around to see us giggling at our cleverness.
Not only did we look incompetent but we also looked a tad insane.

Dilemma #2

       Now that the parent-friends had seen us we had to face the awkward seating issue. The problem was that, at 18 years old we should have been mature enough to sit with them and make polite conversation during intermission etc. Except obviously that isn't true. Another issue was that Zoe forgot that she is practically blind without her glasses and neglected to bring them, so we pretty much had to sit in the front row (plus if you sit there and make eye contact with and actor then you can guarantee that both you and the actor will feel really, really uncomfortable).

Dilemma #3
                Containment and restraint have never been strong points for either of us, unfortunately wild and inappropriate laughter is. This can make being in public somewhat... hazardous.
Lets just say that the play was funny, okay?

Dilemma #4

                  At $ 2.00  a pop, it seems almost necessary to see as many plays as possible, so we asked an usher where and when the next one was. This is where things get really tricky- the guy gave us a map and told us where the next venue was located, this is EXACTLY what he said "Just follow Wellington Street, it's really close." and we said "Is it walking distance from here?" and he said, I swear to God he said "yes."

We had a few hours to kill before we had to get to the next place so we decided to get some dinner and then run around downtown taking weird pictures of ourselves. You know, the usual.
Eventually the time came for us to start heading down to the theater, so we found Wellington (easy) and began our journey. The first twenty minutes were easy going and fun, we were so young and naive then. After about forty minutes of walking (and skipping and dancing and singing) we started to get a little anxious, we weren't any where near where we should have been according to the ushers map...
We found this guy with and iPhone and begged him to google map the address for us, he did and gave us very sombre news. Our destination was still 8 miles away.
I guess the really ridiculous part is that at that point we still thought we could do it.
We couldn't.

Dilemma #5

         The real reason we had to stop? We found a Field. Yep, one look at all that luscious grass and moss and we were done for, we had to test it out. It needed to be laid in! Plus we'd been walking for approximately ten thousand years anyway, we deserved it.
The problem with that is that once you lie down in a field, it is actually physically impossible to remove yourself from it for at least an hour.

Needless to say, we never did get to see The Erotic Adventures Of Don Juan as preformed by marionettes. Which is a shame, really, when you think about it.
It was probably very inspired.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


We have not yet encountered it, only heard rumours, but apparently there is a turkey wandering around the gated apartment complex where we sometimes live .
(I say sometimes because the Lame Owls have very unusual living arrangements)
Anyway, we're going to try and hunt him down.

Just so you know...

Sunday, May 9, 2010

I know I Am, Thank You.

We have a blushing problem.
There should be Blushers anonymous except that everyone who should attend meetings would be to shy to actually ever go and if they did then they'd just sit there being as red as two red things anyway.
So I guess that's actually a pretty bad plan.

Anyway we blush A LOT.
It mostly  happens during uncomfortable solo situations, like in dance or giving a presentation. Sometimes though it just happens for no good reason which is really just unfair and stupid.
The reason that this is a problem and not just a nuisance because people have this really annoying tendency to point out that we're blushing. What is the point of that?! Obviously I know that I am blushing because my face has the fire of a thousand microwaves pouring out of it and I am tearing up with embarrassment now that you've called everyone's attention to it.
Thanks Jerk.

This is how the situation usually pans out:

Lame Owl is forced to do something horrible and humiliating like a dance solo in front of a million (actually just ten) people. Obviously discomfort levels are rising steadily. Blushing begins. 

Person: Aw, you're blushing!

Lame Owl: Blushes harder but tries to appear normal. Possibly laughs awkwardly.

Person: Oh man, you are SO red right now!!

Lame Owl: Continues blushing. Forgets how to speak. Eyes begin to water.

Person: Oh my god! Are you crying?! Aw! Don't cry! Guys she's crying!

Lame Owl: Gnarf.

Then everyone always makes a big deal about it and it all could have been avoided if that one jerk hadn't pointed out the blush.
Actually.. It could have been ENTIRELY avoided, blush included, if the Lame Owls hadn't been forced to do a dance solo or anything.

The point is, why do people have to inform us that we're blushing?
How would some one NOT KNOW that they were blushing? And pointing it out is guaranteed to make them blush harder and only some kind of.. sadist would want that.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Got My Shade On

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Lemonade And Fields

There are some things that Lame Owls need for life exsitance. The warm weather that is finally, finally, beginning is wonderful... For the most part. The downside is that once the tempuratures start rising, something happens within the body of a Lame Owl, something terrible.

It starts with a desperate craving for Green Tea Lemonade. It's kind of like heroin but way tastier and with more ice. We crave for it as if we were gut and blood ridden zombies in need of their fix.

The thing about GTL is that it has no substitute... none. You can't just simply have a glass of normal lemonade and feel satisfied, no no,  it needs to be from Starbucks and it needs to be of the green tea variety. We tried to make it on our own once and failed. Drinking it from a straw is also a very important part, and you have to ask for limited ice otherwise you'll just end up with lemon-flavoured ice. Which would be sad.
We take this drink very seriously.
One time we decieded to 'be brave' and try Passion Tea Lemonade, lets just say it didn't turn out to well.

It was pretty much a scene out of the Hulk. We became extremely angered, grew some muscles and ripped our clothes right off. It was weird... and intense.
...And a little bit arousing.

Once we have the GTL though, that doesn't mean that suddenly everything is okay. You see, the warm weather in combination with the GTL causes our brain to basically shut down, which means we need an appropriate place to pass out for a good 10 hours. If there isn't a field or meadow proximal to us the panic starts to set in. WE HAVE TO FIND A GODDAMN FIELD OR SOMETHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN!

If we do find one though, it's okay.
Then we can sleep peacefully and enjoy the GTL.

Except sometimes the peacefulness doesn't actually happen.
Sometimes it is disrupted by extreme awkwardness.
Do you want to know what kind of awkwardness we've encountered in feilds? Do you? DO YOU?
If you do, please let us know because there has been an obscene amount of discomfort involing meadows and we'd love to share!

Monday, May 3, 2010

I Am Shit.

Do you ever have one of those days where you get up feelin' good, so you put on a new and daring outfit, style your hair and get creative with your make up?
Your confidence is at an all time high and maybe you're even a little cocky.
It's easy to look around and feel assured that you are definitely the sexiest person in the immediate vicinity,.
Basically, you are the shit.

Everything is going positively swimmingly until suddenly you catch sight of yourself in a window.
That's when you realize that maybe puce really isn't your colour, especially in spandex, and your beehive had deflated.
It occurs to you that you probably look better when you aren't wearing blue eye shadow, because now you're starting to feel a little drag queen-y.
You suddenly notice the panty lines and the really classy lipstick stains on your teeth.
You are not the shit.
You are just shit.