Friday, February 18, 2011


Monday, October 25, 2010

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Halloween Is Coming!

                                                And our feet are all ready for it.

Taken By The Trees..

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Relationship Fail

 Apparently at exactly four days before the eight month mark of both of my serious relationships my boyfriends ran out of tolerance. I guess that is the point at which my awkwarndness becomes too much and they just can't take it any more?
Both times, four days before the eight month anniversary, they dumped me.
Not only that, but they both had me bus all the way out to their houses in order to break my heart.

The first time, I'll be honest, I saw it coming. The relationship had pretty much fallen apart four months in but we were too naive to let it go. Well, I was. He tried to break up with me once before by saying we should "take a break"  but I successfully guilted him into coming back.

Anyway, one faithful night I bussed all the way across the city to watch a softball game like a good girlfriend should, then like the pile of awkward fail that I am I got on the wrong bus and became lost and confused which was traumatic enough and completely unnecessary.
So after a nearly two hour expedition I got off the bus (kind of expecting a hug because bussing is stressful  but bussing badly is emotionally damaging) wearing what I thought was a pretty charming adorable outfit (but what my mother refers to as my 'Clockwork Orange Look' ).
Boyfriend # 1 looked all sad and uncomfortable which I assumed was because I was late.
I asked him what was wrong.
He just stood there, holding the tupperware that had held the vegan brownies I had baked for him, and then he said:
"Zoe, I want to break up."
And I said:

Then I stomped my foot (because I am a success at maturity!) and started to cry.
There was a little bit of me screaming and being unreasonable and then a lot of him just walking away to play softball and leaving me at a bus stop far away from home.

I really didn't want to stay out there at the stop, but the only other place to go would be Boyfriend # 1's parents house and that would just lead to badness.

I called my mom.

I guess I should be sad that as soon as she answered the phone she knew, but I think moms can just tell.
So I sat on the curb and waited for her to come pick me up.
I think I really weirded out the poor girl who came to actually wait for the bus because I just sat there clutching my tupperware and sobbing.

That was the first time.

The second time was not expected.
The second time was much worse because Boyfriend # 2 called me the night before asking for a hug.
Who does that?
I love you! Oh just kidding get out of my life I actually hate you.

Our relationship prior to it's untimely end was Practically Perfect in Every Way, so when he called that night sounding distraught about his workload and exams my instinct was to comfort.
I told my friend who was staying with me that I had to do the Good Girlfriend thing and go see him early the next morning and she agreed that I am clearly a very kind and loving person.
So the next morning I get up at six.
Yeah, six in the morning.
I even put on the underthings he liked the best, because I'm nice and thoughtful like that.

As I was leaving I saw my mom, which I think alarmed her because I was up before noon.
She asked me where I was going and why I was leaving Colby (visiting friend), and when I explained that Boyfriend 2 needed me because his life was very hard and I am very good at hugs she was impressed by my niceness.
I got on the express bus and alerted him that I was on my way, he texted me back saying he'd meet me at the bus stop because it was such a nice day.
It was overcast.
I should have known then that there was trouble afoot.
Luckily (not really) I was going to walk from a further away stop rather than wait for the second bus.
It would be faster, and my man needed me!
He offered to meet me halfway, and since I was apparently determined to ignore any warning signs, I thought "he probably just wants to get some air, poor thing".
Clearly, I am an idiot.

So I'm walking along, feeling chipper and delightful because, even though I felt guilty about ditching my friend I had really missed my boyfriend!
I saw him across the street and my heart was pounding because I'm lame.
And a girl.
He kissed me, he held my hand, we laughed and talked all the way back to his house.
I had even shaved my legs.

We arrived at his house and I put my bag in its usual spot next to my slippers and watched him crawl into bed.
I climbed in a nestled into his side, he put his arm around me.
I said:
"Tell me all your troubles."
And he started to sniffle and I felt terrible so I hugged him tighter.
He said:
"Zoe, I want to break up."

After a lot of crying, stomping and photograph-ripping  I ended up on a curb again.
This time, instead of tupperware, I was clinging to moccasins and a teddy bear.
I didn't even have to call my mom and she knew.
Turns out he didn't have enough time for me in his life.
It's nice to hear that at nine A.M.
I guess thats why he couldn't come to me to do it and give my stuff back, he has a busy schedual.

 Four days to eight months.
 Maybe it's an expirey date printed on me?
Not only that, but I'm pretty sure that Boyfriend # 1 has my copy of Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close and Boyfriend # 2 has Everything Is Illuminated ... So possibly where ever it says "Do Not Date After Eight Months" it also says "Should Not Own Any Jonathan Sarfan Foer Books"?

I think that's worse actually, I really liked those books...

Friday, May 14, 2010

The Disaster of Wellington

Last summer the Lame Owls were reunited which obviously means that awkwardness was about to begin.
That was also the summer of a really cool play festival that had $ 2.00 tickets for students, naturally we decided to attend.
We wore our most artsy, I-like-the-theatre, clothing (scarves and hats and leather boots and things) and made our way down to the Arts Center.

Dilemma #1:

                 We couldn't find the damn entrance. First we walked around the building in our usual manner (half in a daze) and giggled at the awkward Prom kids that were looming around. Prom is basically the most uncomfortable event ever to begin with, but it's even more uncomfortable when it isn't actually your own prom and you just happen to have accidentally invaded it. So we kept wandering along the outside of the arts center hoping to find some kind of entrance, no luck. So now we were getting a bit panicky, which is never good because then we start getting irrational and wondering of maybe the building doesn't have a door because it's not even a real building or maybe this is the wrong place and we took the bus to an alternate universe, or perhaps this is all just a shared dream? Anyway, it gets bad.
We spotted some parent-friends who were also going to the play and creepily tried to follow them in with out being noticed and thus seeming incompetent. That plan was crushed like a ripe and juicy grape when they turned around to see us giggling at our cleverness.
Not only did we look incompetent but we also looked a tad insane.

Dilemma #2

       Now that the parent-friends had seen us we had to face the awkward seating issue. The problem was that, at 18 years old we should have been mature enough to sit with them and make polite conversation during intermission etc. Except obviously that isn't true. Another issue was that Zoe forgot that she is practically blind without her glasses and neglected to bring them, so we pretty much had to sit in the front row (plus if you sit there and make eye contact with and actor then you can guarantee that both you and the actor will feel really, really uncomfortable).

Dilemma #3
                Containment and restraint have never been strong points for either of us, unfortunately wild and inappropriate laughter is. This can make being in public somewhat... hazardous.
Lets just say that the play was funny, okay?

Dilemma #4

                  At $ 2.00  a pop, it seems almost necessary to see as many plays as possible, so we asked an usher where and when the next one was. This is where things get really tricky- the guy gave us a map and told us where the next venue was located, this is EXACTLY what he said "Just follow Wellington Street, it's really close." and we said "Is it walking distance from here?" and he said, I swear to God he said "yes."

We had a few hours to kill before we had to get to the next place so we decided to get some dinner and then run around downtown taking weird pictures of ourselves. You know, the usual.
Eventually the time came for us to start heading down to the theater, so we found Wellington (easy) and began our journey. The first twenty minutes were easy going and fun, we were so young and naive then. After about forty minutes of walking (and skipping and dancing and singing) we started to get a little anxious, we weren't any where near where we should have been according to the ushers map...
We found this guy with and iPhone and begged him to google map the address for us, he did and gave us very sombre news. Our destination was still 8 miles away.
I guess the really ridiculous part is that at that point we still thought we could do it.
We couldn't.

Dilemma #5

         The real reason we had to stop? We found a Field. Yep, one look at all that luscious grass and moss and we were done for, we had to test it out. It needed to be laid in! Plus we'd been walking for approximately ten thousand years anyway, we deserved it.
The problem with that is that once you lie down in a field, it is actually physically impossible to remove yourself from it for at least an hour.

Needless to say, we never did get to see The Erotic Adventures Of Don Juan as preformed by marionettes. Which is a shame, really, when you think about it.
It was probably very inspired.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


We have not yet encountered it, only heard rumours, but apparently there is a turkey wandering around the gated apartment complex where we sometimes live .
(I say sometimes because the Lame Owls have very unusual living arrangements)
Anyway, we're going to try and hunt him down.

Just so you know...