Apparently at exactly four days before the eight month mark of both of my serious relationships my boyfriends ran out of tolerance. I guess that is the point at which my awkwarndness becomes too much and they just can't take it any more?
Both times, four days before the eight month anniversary, they dumped me.
Not only that, but they both had me bus all the way out to their houses in order to break my heart.
The first time, I'll be honest, I saw it coming. The relationship had pretty much fallen apart four months in but we were too naive to let it go. Well, I was. He tried to break up with me once before by saying we should "take a break" but I successfully guilted him into coming back.
Anyway, one faithful night I bussed all the way across the city to watch a softball game like a good girlfriend should, then like the pile of awkward fail that I am I got on the wrong bus and became lost and confused which was traumatic enough and completely unnecessary.
So after a nearly two hour expedition I got off the bus (kind of expecting a hug because bussing is stressful but bussing badly is emotionally damaging) wearing what I thought was a pretty charming adorable outfit (but what my mother refers to as my 'Clockwork Orange Look' ).
Boyfriend # 1 looked all sad and uncomfortable which I assumed was because I was late.
I asked him what was wrong.
He just stood there, holding the tupperware that had held the vegan brownies I had baked for him, and then he said:
"Zoe, I want to break up."
And I said:
Then I stomped my foot (because I am a success at maturity!) and started to cry.
There was a little bit of me screaming and being unreasonable and then a lot of him just walking away to play softball and leaving me at a bus stop far away from home.
I really didn't want to stay out there at the stop, but the only other place to go would be Boyfriend # 1's parents house and that would just lead to badness.
I called my mom.
I guess I should be sad that as soon as she answered the phone she knew, but I think moms can just tell.
So I sat on the curb and waited for her to come pick me up.
I think I really weirded out the poor girl who came to actually wait for the bus because I just sat there clutching my tupperware and sobbing.
That was the first time.
The second time was not expected.
The second time was much worse because Boyfriend # 2 called me the night before asking for a hug.
Who does that?
I love you! Oh just kidding get out of my life I actually hate you.
Our relationship prior to it's untimely end was Practically Perfect in Every Way, so when he called that night sounding distraught about his workload and exams my instinct was to comfort.
I told my friend who was staying with me that I had to do the Good Girlfriend thing and go see him early the next morning and she agreed that I am clearly a very kind and loving person.
So the next morning I get up at six.
Yeah, six in the morning.
I even put on the underthings he liked the best, because I'm nice and thoughtful like that.
As I was leaving I saw my mom, which I think alarmed her because I was up before noon.
She asked me where I was going and why I was leaving Colby (visiting friend), and when I explained that Boyfriend 2 needed me because his life was very hard and I am very good at hugs she was impressed by my niceness.
I got on the express bus and alerted him that I was on my way, he texted me back saying he'd meet me at the bus stop because it was such a nice day.
It was overcast.
I should have known then that there was trouble afoot.
Luckily (not really) I was going to walk from a further away stop rather than wait for the second bus.
It would be faster, and my man needed me!
He offered to meet me halfway, and since I was apparently determined to ignore any warning signs, I thought "he probably just wants to get some air, poor thing".
Clearly, I am an idiot.
So I'm walking along, feeling chipper and delightful because, even though I felt guilty about ditching my friend I had really missed my boyfriend!
I saw him across the street and my heart was pounding because I'm lame.
And a girl.
He kissed me, he held my hand, we laughed and talked all the way back to his house.
I had even shaved my legs.
We arrived at his house and I put my bag in its usual spot next to my slippers and watched him crawl into bed.
I climbed in a nestled into his side, he put his arm around me.
"Tell me all your troubles."
And he started to sniffle and I felt terrible so I hugged him tighter.
"Zoe, I want to break up."
After a lot of crying, stomping and photograph-ripping I ended up on a curb again.
This time, instead of tupperware, I was clinging to moccasins and a teddy bear.
I didn't even have to call my mom and she knew.
Turns out he didn't have enough time for me in his life.
It's nice to hear that at nine A.M.
I guess thats why he couldn't come to me to do it and give my stuff back, he has a busy schedual.
Four days to eight months.
Maybe it's an expirey date printed on me?
Not only that, but I'm pretty sure that Boyfriend # 1 has my copy of Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close and Boyfriend # 2 has Everything Is Illuminated ... So possibly where ever it says "Do Not Date After Eight Months" it also says "Should Not Own Any Jonathan Sarfan Foer Books"?
I think that's worse actually, I really liked those books...